Autism, Eating Disorders, and Feeling Trapped

As I sit down to write this, I am overly full. I have definitely eaten a bit too much, the result of my difficulty recognizing physical hunger and fullness cues.

It’s in such moments – moments of realizing I have overstretched myself without realizing it – that I feel the most trapped.

Feeling trapped in *my* body is not a rare occurrence for me. It’s often a manifestation of existential loneliness, that is to say, the deep sense of loneliness that arises from existential contemplation.

The older I become, the more I see that my deeply critical, deeply curious way of thinking and experiencing the world is not universal…

The frustration that continuously arises as a result of feeling like I am living “in another dimension” strengthens my innate sense of alienation. Not only in the world at large, but alienation within my own body as well.

When your body and mind never seem to agree, you feel like you’re constantly running a marathon in the opposite direction…but every time you turn around, you’re still going in the wrong direction.

This sense of constantly feeling “wrong” was part of the reason my eating disorder developed.

I knew that I could never escape myself, and I knew that whatever I did, I would never truly “fit in.” So instead, I transcended.

Whereas my physical body couldn’t be unzipped, I could allow my mind to travel to somewhat of an alternate reality; the reality of the eating disorder.

Humans choose what hurts over what hurts most. By following the rigid rules and routines of the ED, I didn’t have to face the pain that comes with the human condition. Yes, my eating disorder hurt, but I believed that grounding my soul in this body would hurt more. 

At the same time, my eating disorder was a “solution” to the existential angst that frequently plagues the autistic mind.

By adhering to the demands of the ED, I believed I was doing things “right,” and therefore, didn’t have to live in constant fear of being “wrong.” 

Of course, this was all an illusion. I was living in a snow globe, an icy, cold existence that looks pretty on the outside, but creates entrapment from the inside.

Fast forward to being recovered: Whereas I most definitely still struggle with feeling trapped, I understand that this is only because my soul – my vastly infinite, expansively abundant being – can never be contained within something as tangible as a human body.

Yet I also understand that having, and more importantly, nourishing, this physical being is absolutely necessary if I want to contribute.

I have come to understand that suffering is part of the human condition.

Life’s purpose isn’t about getting rid of that suffering. Rather, it’s about finding something worth suffering for.

If you want to go on a journey to finding your purpose with someone who gets it, schedule a consultation call for 1-1 coaching here!