Why I Stopped Being Vegan in Eating Disorder Recovery

A couple weeks ago, I was planning on writing a blog post about why I became vegan. Now I am writing a blog post on why I stopped being vegan. Crazy how quickly life can shift sometimes, eh?

For those of you who have been following my eating disorder recovery journey for a while now, you know that I’ve been switching between veganism, vegetarianism, and living label-free for quite some time. I never knew what triggered each "switch," but all that time, I was confused. And I bet you were too. I don’t blame ya! Like what are you supposed to think of someone who declares themselves vegan and then shares a picture of a real scone in London on their Instagram stories?

I would be pretty darn confused too. So that’s the main reason why I wanted to write this blog post. To try and un-confuse you, but also in the hopes of creating some clarity about where I am at the moment! Because honestly? There’s a lot on my mind. Too much to share in an Instagram caption, but also too complex to talk about in my stories.

So, where to start? Perhaps that is the question that has been causing me to put off writing this; I really don’t know where to start! But something I’ve learned is that you always gotta start somewhere, even if that's a ramble that turns into a beautiful story. So bouncing off that, I’m just going to say it how it is and hope my rambling turns into some sort of fluent story!

Extreme Hunger in Eating Disorder Recovery Made Me Realize I Was Depriving Myself

The first time I wrote about removing the vegan label was in my post about giving up restriction. I highly recommend giving it a read if you want some more back-story to this post, but essentially I write about the effect veganism had on me. Initially, following a strict, 100% plant-based diet made me feel amazing…until I came home from school one day to find myself lying on the floor of fullness after the worst binge of my life.

For weeks, I could not stop eating. I was having insane cravings for things I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years – cookies, cake, chips, candy, chocolate bars – you name it. I couldn’t understand why these cravings were happening at the time they did, because I had been "weight-restored" for over a year at this point (if you are experiencing extreme hunger while no longer underweight, I recommend you read my blog post on Extreme Hunger While Being Weight Restored.)

I concluded that my body was feeling restricted again. Hence the "unexplained" cravings and episodes of overeating. But how was I restricting? I wasn’t counting calories. I wasn’t exercising more. Yet I could not stop thinking about food. Calling myself a vegan made me so obsessed with what I could and could not eat that my eating disorder (which I thought was a thing of the past) felt activated to control again. Instead of restricting food directly, it chose to creep into my life in the form of a vegan diet: "Okay, so you can’t restrict your food intake. But you can restrict what type of food you eat."

When I realized the true purpose my veganism was serving, I realized it was not serving me. The only being it was serving was my eating disorder.

Veganism in ED Recovery: Ethical Considerations

I am fully aware that many vegans may comment on my statements about restriction with the question “What about the animals?” Obviously, my being vegan was protecting many of the animals that are being mistreated in the horrid animal industry. This was also one of the main factors that convinced me to become vegan in the first place, because I truly do care about the animals and the health of our planet.

I know that a vegan lifestyle is more sustainable for the earth and it’s respecting the animals. I’ve done my research (and even debated about this topic for a school assignment), so I truly do know what the benefits are of being vegan!

So then why would I stop being vegan after my eating disorder?

First things first: I love eating organic and plant-based. Love it. There’s nothing better than the feeling of nourishing yourself with a big tempeh salad or my vanilla cauliflower protein oats or a thick and creamy smoothie bowl. Knowing that food can taste good, be good for the environment, and be good for your body is just the most amazing thing ever!

What’s not the most amazing thing ever is feeling like you have to constantly be at war with your body and mind only so you can live up to a certain label.

Part of my autism is being a very perfectionistic, black and white thinker. When I go for something, I give it my all. This perseverant mindset is a strength of mine, but it's also one of my biggest pitfalls. This fact has constantly proven itself through not only my eating disorder and recovery, but from almost everything I do in life.

A pattern I have noticed through all of this perfectionism is that I attach labels to everything. These labels make me feel like I have everything under control, while paradoxically controlling me. When I lived under the "eating disorder sufferer" label, I felt I had control over what I did and didn’t have to do. I could skip school assignments. I didn’t have to show up to sports practice. I didn’t have to go out to eat…because I was "the sick girl with an eating disorder."

This feeling of having everything under control was also one of the main drives of my eating disorder. It’s what made me feel attached to it for years, yet was also what trapped me in a lifeless box. When I realized that I was actually being controlled rather than being in control – that’s when I decided I no longer wanted to live with the ED label.

What Does Living Label Free Have To Do With My End To Veganism?

Yes, good question! I have said a lot about the label regarding my eating disorder, but what about the vegan label? For me personally, it’s all connected. When I adopt a certain label, I go all in and do the very best I can to live up to that label. Again, this is equally a strength and pitfall of mine. Why? Because the label ends up controlling me.

Veganism was no different. What started off as "being conscious and living plant-based" turned into another label that was ruling my life. I wasn’t giving my body or mind a say in the matter, let alone ignoring the multiple signs my body was giving me that the vegan lifestyle was NOT supportive of my unique needs.

After a couple months of eating 100% plant-based, my body started disagreeing with me. I got very dry skin, especially on my hands and ankles. My hair started falling out by the handfuls when I combed it, and my joints started aching when I went for runs. Putting all of this all together, I realized these were all symptoms I had actually been able to heal when I was taking collagen. Aside from these external cues, I also noticed my IBS came back. I started experiencing increasing bouts of nausea, and the bloating, stomach issues, and gas – all symptoms I had relieved after nutritional rehabilitation in recovery – had returned.

Stopping Being Vegan After My Eating Disorder

I knew what I was doing was not serving me. As much as I care for the animals and the environment, I had to look at myself and think about what was best for my health. It was difficult at first, considering I truly truly truly want to contribute to the ending of animal welfare and the breaking down of our planet. But what I also realized? You don’t have to label yourself as a vegan to make a difference.

I still eat mainly plant-based because I love it, but I no longer do it with a vegan blindfold on. I have started listening to my body, and I do what it needs me to do. I have started taking collagen again because it helps my hair, skin, and joints. And I have started engaging in movement to celebrate my abilities rather than as a punishment.

Is it okay for YOU to be vegan in eating disorder recovery?

Everything I mentioned in this blog post applies to me and is based on my personal experiences. If you can follow a vegan diet and can maintain a healthy relationship with your body and mind, you do you. The reason I wrote this post is to share what I’ve been through, in the hopes that it inspires others and perhaps allows someone to realize that they’re not alone. But if you can’t relate to any of this at all, that’s okay. You do you.

Want to read my full eating disorder recovery story? Grab a copy of my book Rainbow Girl!