Existential Suffering After An Eating Disorder

An eating disorder creates suffering – there’s no doubt about that – but can recovery itself cause suffering as well? This post takes a philosophical and neurodiversity-affirming approach to creating purpose after an eating disorder, exploring how meaningful suffering can lead to a fulfilling life.

Autism, Existentialism, and Eating Disorders

Many neurodivergent folks are constantly curious. We’re constantly asking deep, existential questions. We wonder: What's the purpose of life? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? How do I know I'm not doing everything wrong?

While this philosophical way of thinking allows us to tap into our unique neurodivergent gifts, it equally can plague our conscience. It can cause us to seek escapes, to delude ourselves into false purposes – which an eating disorder provides. The existential angst of choosing the “wrong” path becomes overwhelming, and the eating disorder offers a false sense of control and certainty. It convinces us we’re on the "right" path as long as we adhere to its rules and beliefs. For many neurodivergent people who were traumatized as children simply for being different, this belief system of the ED is incredibly appealing.

Being what I like to call a neurodivergent “alien” in a neurotypical world is isolating. Not only that, but it’s traumatic for your nervous system that perceives danger. Biologically, being different makes you vulnerable to judgment, ridicule, and rejection, which many of us experience regularly. That's why we develop coping mechanisms like eating disorders, which trap us in our own little snow globes, shielding us from the outside world.

Fear of Being Healthy in Anorexia Recovery

Something that held me back from recovering for so long was the fear that I wouldn’t be able to cope with the world, that I couldn’t handle the responsibilities of being healthy…and this is where a huge misconception about eating disorder recovery comes in. There's this presentation on social media and in many books that when you are recovered from an eating disorder, your life is magically wonderful and amazing and perfect and it couldn't be better. I’ll admit, I’ve contributed to this portrayal at times, but I’ve also tried to counteract it by openly sharing my struggles.

In fact, I started a weekly email series where I reflect on what's happening in my life, including my vulnerable moments. I choose not to post these updates on social media because it's too public, and I don’t want to deal with the trolls! I’m choosing to focus my energy in places where I know it’s valued, such as this blog and my email newsletter. So if you wanna hear more updates about my personal life and what I'm struggling with behind the scenes, be sure to get on my email list here.

Autism and the Human Condition of Suffering

My life, with or without an eating disorder, involves suffering. I know that might sound extreme – because it also depends on your subjective definition of suffering – but even the oldest philosophical teachings state that the human condition equals suffering. For neurodivergent people, that suffering can be amplified – especially if we let society dictate how we should live our lives. But regardless of society’s expectations, suffering is inevitable. Engaging with an eating disorder is an attempt to numb yourself from that existential suffering. But the eating disorder only brings on a new kind of suffering because, well, it’s an eating disorder.

In my personal experience, many "influencers" perpetuate the illusion that recovery from an eating disorder magically frees you from suffering. But as someone who has recovered and created their own purpose, I’ve learned that suffering doesn’t go away. And I use this word “created” very purposefully (no pun intended), because I don’t believe we “find” our purpose; I believe we create it. Obviously, there are signs from the universe that help us on the path of creating our purpose, but ultimately your purpose is not something hiding under a rock that just needs to be uncovered! "There it is, I’ve found my purpose!" – said no one ever. Your purpose is something you must actively create every single day.

Creating Meaningful Suffering After an Eating Disorder

Let’s pull back the curtain on my life! I wake up every morning feeling resistance and fear of failure. What's going to happen if I'm vulnerable? Will someone leave another one star review for my book? It’s hard! But despite that – or perhaps because of it – I choose to keep creating my purpose, to keep being an artist in a world of cogs, to actively resist the conformity paradigm and embrace my unique. Anything truly important in life cannot be made tangible. Relationships, a sense of fulfillment, excitement, freedom – can you ever measure the value of these in a quantifiable way? Because I choose to focus on what my heart knows is valuable, I continually choose to trust my inner wisdom. I choose to write my books, I choose to coach, and I choose to create content like this blog post you’re reading right now! This process of creation is an active, daily choice. So when I talk about suffering, I don’t mean it in a dark or heavy sense, but rather as a part of the human experience.

When you recover from an eating disorder, you’re not suddenly free from suffering. I have new things that plague me now. The constant thoughts, so many ideas about all the books I want to write, all the content I want to create, and just not enough hours in the day! My brain constantly feels like it’s bouncing off the walls, and that, too, is a form of suffering. In fact, a client once said to me that restriction, which deprives the brain of glucose, was quite an effective strategy to numb herself from her brain going balls to the walls! Now, I’m obviously not trying to sell you on an eating disorder here, but hopefully you get what I’m saying: the eating disorder serves a purpose. And when we can acknowledge that with curiosity rather than judgment, we can start to align our actions with our authentic, healthy values.

Eating Disorder Suffering vs Neurodivergent Suffering

Even though I suffer in many new ways now, there’s a significant difference between the suffering of having an eating disorder and the suffering of being recovered, or rather, just being a healthy human being. As I talk about in my memoir Rainbow Girl as well as my book How to Beat Extreme Hunger, I don’t believe in the concept of “being in recovery (including "all in" recovery). Identifying as someone "in recovery" is just another external identity, that just like all identities, separates you from true being.

The thing about suffering after an eating disorder – or after any limitation for that matter – is that when you create your purpose and when you choose to align your actions with your values rather than living as a slave to fear, you create a life that's worth suffering for. In fact, any purpose that you choose to create is one that you are choosing is worth suffering for! The human condition naturally involves suffering, they’re part and parcel. So the key is to stop trying (and failing) to end the suffering, but rather, to focus on creating something meaningful, because then the suffering itself takes on a completely different quality.

An eating disorder offers a false sense of purpose. It tricks you into thinking you’re suffering for something important – whether it’s control, a specific weight, or to numb sensory overwhelm. But the reality is that you’re suffering just to create more suffering. The numbing isn’t real. And the control; how much control do you have truly If the food and exercise is controlling your life?

It's all an illusion. You trick yourself into believing that as long as you do the eating "right," you can protect yourself from being “wrong” in the world. But again: you're not protecting yourself from anything. For what are you truly protecting if you’re destructing the very entity that makes your existence possible? I’ll leave that up to you to answer, because I truly believe we all possess the answers within ourselves and this path we call life is about asking ourselves the questions that allow us to discover those answers. If you want more support on your journey, schedule a consultation call for 1-1 coaching here!

Image: I'm Not Scared by P54