Extreme Hunger, Weight Gain, and How I'm Dealing With it All

Desperate, I shared this on my Instagram story, asking for advice, suggestions, and help. I felt so lost, so out of control, and so scared. I had never eaten this much in one sitting in my entire life. I didn’t know where to turn or where to look. Thanks to the amazing recovery community, I rode the wave of fear, guilt, and shame.

I got loads of feedback from my community, but the main culprit was that I likely wasn't eating enough, and that my body genuinely needed more food. Furthermore, I was repeatedly advised to NOT restrict after this episode of overeating, as it would just lead to my body feeling more deprived, thus causing a "binge" to happen again. I say binge in quotes, because up until last night, I thought I had been bingeing for weeks. Turns out, I was experiencing extreme hunger.

Extreme Hunger in Eating Disorder Recovery

If you have gone through (or are still going through) recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, chances are you’ve experienced extreme hunger. Your body has been operating at a deficit, which continues until you’re completely recovered. Even if you've been deemed weight restored, you’ve gotten your period back, or anything that doctors will use as an excuse to say "you’re done with gaining weight," there is loads of repair work to be done. Yes, it is possible, and often necessary, to gain weight after you’ve reached your "goal weight." I’m living proof!

I had gotten my period for the first time, I had been declared "weight restored" by doctors, and I was told that I didn’t need to gain any more weight. I was so happy about everything, and I thought I was completely recovered. Yet, something still didn’t feel right. I was constantly thinking about my next meal (mental hunger), I was tired, and my physical hunger cues were all over the place – which didn't become clear to me until that one day when I got home from school and practically ate my entire kitchen. After that event, I knew I had to change something. That’s when I bought animal products for the first time again, and stopped being vegan. From that day onwards, I was not going to restrict myself anymore.

That same day, I had salmon for dinner, and had a big night snack. I went to bed feeling the most full I had in a long time, yet it was also the first time that I felt truly satisfied. One of the biggest ED fears I have, is that I will not be hungry the next morning if I’ve eaten "too much" the night before. But this fear was completely proven WRONG when I woke up that next morning, as I was absolutely starving!

This was when my extreme hunger kicked in. For weeks, my days consisted of eating, eating, and more eating, and still feeling constantly hungry. I could not stop thinking about food, and all my body wanted at every moment was, well, FOOD!

What Causes Extreme Hunger in Anorexia Recovery?

Why do you experience extreme hunger after a restrictive eating disorder? When you start feeding your body again, it gets excited. It thinks, "Maybe my body is finally listening to my needs!" So it starts asking a little more loudly for what it needs. But honoring those needs is weird when your body is used to denying them for years. I I genuinely believe my body has reached its maximum abilities to restrict after starving it for so long, because when I’m hungry now, I’m hungry. There's no way for me to restrict anymore, which is terrifying. But I'm consistently reminding myself that this is a good thing – it's my body protecting me.

The past month or so, I’ve been eating every hour, and I’m not just talking an apple or a handful of nuts. I’m talking loads of "junk food" AKA food that is not "acceptable" to eat if you are obsessed with eating "clean." On the daily, I would consume whole packages of cookies, nutella, cookie butter, chips, and crackers. I was overeating on foods I had denied myself for years.

But why?

When you finally start fueling your body properly, it’s going to try to make up for lost time. It has been starving for so long. Even if you’re at a healthy weight, your body still has so much internal repair work to do. This is exactly why you will start craving high fat, high sugar, "unhealthy" foods. Your body will try to eat as much energy as possible. And where do you get this from? Calorie-dense foods. So yes, foods that may be on your "bad" list.

But this, too, is SO important to break. Conquering your fears around these foods is essential if you truly want to recover from your eating disorder. As long as you’re restricting yourself of certain foods, your body will continue to think it is in a deficit, and it will thus not fully recover.

So there I was, scrambling around in the kitchen for weeks in a row, stuffing my face with food. Even though I would feel physically full, my body kept screaming for more food. I had constant cravings, and would continue shoving cookies and granola and everything pastry imaginable into my mouth. I could not stop eating, even if I felt like I was literally going to explode. I was like a poor child who had been locked away for years without enough food. In a sense, I kinda was.

I remember telling my mom, crying, that I thought I had now turned into a binge eater. I couldn’t control myself around food anymore, and would end up on my bed, in tears, feeling like a failure for eating so much. If you recognize any or all of this, you are NOT a binge eater! You are simply feeding your body. And lemme tell ya, your body is incredibly grateful for it.

Coping with Weight Gain While Experiencing Extreme Hunger in ED Recovery

The rapid weight gain is probably the hardest part in all of this. Eating more than you’re used to is weird, but actually seeing your body change is downright scary.

Ever since my extreme hunger started, I have been gaining weight very quickly. No wonder, as I was eating at least triple my usual caloric intake, and was eating foods that I had not eaten for a very long time. Along with the number on the scale, I could really feel I was gaining weight. I was bloated constantly, my jeans felt tighter, and I started to get nauseous after my feasts.

For the first couple weeks of gaining weight, I tried to get rid of it. I told myself everyday: "Today, I am going to control myself. I am not going to eat everything in sight." Yet, it was this restrictive mindset that led to me overeat even more, and probably, gain even more weight. I am currently at my highest weight ever, and I can truly feel that. But wanna know something? Yesterday, I realized, that for the first time in I don’t even know how long, I wasn’t thinking about my next meal. For most people that’s normal, but for someone who's spent years at the mercy of mental hunger, that's an incredible victory.

Wanna know something else? I’m no longer scared of myself when I’m in the kitchen. I’ve given myself permission to eat WHATEVER I want WHENEVER I want. Giving myself this freedom has made me feel much more relaxed around food.

You’re probably dying to know, but what about the weight gain? How I am actually dealing with it? First of all, I’m looking at what I have gained besides weight. One of these things is mental clarity! Oh, how much brain space to earn when you're not thinking about food all the damn time. This is something I’ve wanted ever since I’ve started recovery, and now I finally have it! Sure, I look forward to when I can eat again, but the thoughts of food no longer interrupt my other activities. I can now fully focus on the task at hand, rather than be distracted by some stupid thought about what I’m going to eat for X meal or snack in X hours.

Also, I've learned to trust my body. I no longer feel I have to exercise or restrict to keep my weight stable. I can eat literally whatever I want and trust that my body will handle it.

Lastly, I’m keeping in mind that I’m in a very important phase of my life. I am almost 19 years old, and still have never had a growth spurt or a period for the second time. My body needs to gain weight and extra fat in order to grow and prepare for all the hormonal changes that my body needs to go through.

Even though I feel so much more stable and happy mentally, the rapid weight gain and bloating have definitely affected my body image. I felt very "fat" the first couple pounds I gained, contributing to negative body image. However, instead of focusing on loving my body, I am trying to accept it, and love what it does for me.

And when I talk about my body showing up for me, I’m not talking about being able to lift X amount of weight or do X amount of reps at the gym. I’m talking about what your body can do for you in a different kind of way. Like how cool is it to wake up in the middle of the night because you have to go pee? This example may seem simple and obvious, but I’ve really grown to appreciate the little things throughout my recovery. When I was underweight, I had to wear a diaper to bed because I didn't wake up if I had to go pee. Well of course I didn't, because my organs were shutting down.

How I Feel After Fully Honoring Extreme Hunger 

As scary as it is to share all of this to so many of you, it feels SO good to be able to share my story with others who may be struggling with something similar. What I’m trying to say with all of this, is that even though it’s hard – having extreme hunger, eating fear foods, gaining weight, and SO much more – it’s the most "worth it" thing you will ever do. Yes, I am several pounds heavier than I was just a month ago. But honestly, who cares? I am so much happier, energetic, and more full of life than I ever have felt. And that’s all that matters to me anymore.

If you want to read my full journey with extreme hunger and learn how to overcome it, grab a copy of my book How to Beat Extreme Hunger!