How I Made Peace With Weight Gain as an Autistic Person Recovered From Anorexia

I’ve never feared becoming fat, but for as long as I can remember, I’ve feared gaining weight.

The unpredictability, the sensory discomfort, and the frustration of clothes shopping were all aspects of the weight gain process I wanted to avoid.

While my eating disorder never started as a means to lose weight, it sure as heck was a convenient way to “protect” myself from the aforementioned autistic nightmares.

Being able to maintain my childhood clothing size and better yet, having all my clothes fit loosely, was like the best of both worlds....

Except it was all an illusion.

Sure, I believed I was in control of my body;

But was I really in control if I was a slave to fear?

Are you really in control if your life is defined by strict rules?

What about constantly being consumed by mental hunger?

If we could really control our bodies, we wouldn’t experience any of the side effects that accompany restriction.

At the time of my eating disorder, none of my actions stemmed from love or compassion for myself or others.

Every behavior was an act of avoidance – avoidance of physical sensations, avoidance of emotions, avoidance of trusting myself and the Universe.

I believed that as long as I avoided the aspects of life I didn’t want to be confronted with, I wouldn’t have to.

This was all well and good until extreme hunger joined that chat…

Suddenly, my body took control.

For months on end, I craved and ate nothing but “junk food.”

After each feast, I told myself “Today is the last time I binge.”

Every morning, I vowed to “start fresh.”

These plans crumbled as quickly as the cookies that I shoved into my mouth by the dozens, which were followed by jars of peanut butter, family-sized pies and cakes from the bakery, and everything else that had been off limits for years.

The weight gain was inevitable.

There was truly nothing I could do to stop it, as my previous restriction “tactics” no longer worked.

The grief that accompanied no longer being able to restrict only intensified the discomfort of my rapidly changing body, as I felt utterly powerless.

And the truth is, I was – I was powerless against the laws of nature, just like we all are.

Yet it’s this very realization of being one with nature that allowed me to make peace with weight gain and my body.

I no longer view my body as mine.

I now understand that my body is an essential aspect of the Universe at large – a coalescence of energy that is currently channeled as a human being.

You don’t have to go from “hating” your body to “loving” your body because your body isn’t “good” or “bad.”

Your body just is, similar to how a tree is a tree and a stone is a stone.

Just like we don’t need to love the trees outside or love the stones in our yard, being at peace in your body doesn’t mean you have to love it.

True peace is being free from judgment.

It means viewing the world with a sense of curiosity and gratitude, rather than focusing on the limitations that come from labels.

If you want to learn how to overcome extreme hunger, make peace with weight gain, and become truly free, enroll in my course Extremely Hungry to Completely Satisfied today!