Accountability in ED Recovery

I convinced myself I could only eat if others knew I was eating, or had documented it in some way (such as on Instagram).

I would only allow myself to rest if I received infinite praise from those around me.

In the rare case that I allowed myself to consume a fear food, I would treat it like the biggest thing in the world and panic if no one noticed this incredible task of eating something that I didn't deem "safe."

In the beginning, I felt that recovery wasn’t my own. I believed I was recovering for other people. I believed I was eating and resting and *trying* to gain weight so that people wouldn’t give me that disgusted look anymore, so that my family wouldn’t be ashamed, so that I would finally be taken seriously.

If ever I felt that was not the case, I would throw my hands in the air and retreat into the hands of the eating disorder – because this is what I knew and trusted. This is what I slowly learned to do since the age of eleven. This was my coping mechanism.

But that was in the beginning. Holding others accountable for your own actions is exhausting, not to mention downright unsustainable.

As I progressed through recovery and started engaging in behaviors that upset my eating disorder, I started to realize something: at the end of the day, the only person you’re accountable to is yourself. So, I started coming from a place of curiosity rather than judgment. Did I do my best today? Am I taking the steps a future me will enjoy? Did I align my actions with my values?

In (early) eating disorder recovery, it can feel like you’re doing it all for someone else. Eating a fear food or skipping that morning run may feel like you're "paying the price" to make someone else feel relieved or satisfied, but at the end of the day you’re doing it for the free version of you – the version of you that's no longer living a shadow of a life.

To recover, you must hold fear's hand. Because what you fear most is often precisely what you need to do. So, here’s to eating that brownie when no one is looking, to skipping that workout when you could have easily slipped it in, to living a life of freedom rather than enslavement.